My Granny used to say the years go faster the older you get. I didn’t really know what she meant until recently. She’s right. I’m not sure how it’s possible, but they do and with that comes a sense of impatience.
If I was my dad, I have only 12 years left on this planet – an alarming thought. As a mother of three, I’m watching my trio grow up and flap their own wings. One is already off and flying, one is about to, and my wee guy (yes you are taller than me, but still my littlest), is setting sights on his own trajectory.
So why do people question it when you as a mother want to explore a new path for the time you have left? Lately there has been a lot of talk in the media of self-care, but with that comes a personal question “at what point is our need to self-care considered selfishness?”
As mothers many of us forgo our own needs for the fulfilment of others. Unlimited to children alone, we sacrifice careers and our own wants so others can flourish. I have friends who tell me they have always put themselves forward first – I say this without judgement, but either they are male or do not have kids, (I promise, no judgement!). I have a partner who won’t do anything if it doesn’t fall within his watertight personal boundaries.
Am I envious of them all who refuse to sacrifice self over others, sure. I have yet to embrace the concept. Try as I might, I can’t seem to quite get there – yet.
When my marriage ended, I was bombarded by people telling me what I should or should not do. Regardless of their intentions, it was quite frankly too much. Every move and decision I make seems to be judged, especially how it affects others.
In June I hit my limit. My tribe got me to New Zealand where I spent time healing under the care of my dearest friend and her family. Life is slower there and every moment doesn't have to be filled with accomplishing tasks. Taking time out to rest and reconnect gave the the greatest rewards. I returned stronger, enlightened and armed with seven children's books I felt inspired to write while seated on the sofa drinking lots of tea, (watch this space).
I am now at the crossroads of choosing a new path. Yes, there are children, family members and my possible future partner to consider, but unlike my past, my main consideration is myself. It’s not selfish, it’s self-care and my impatience for change is speeding like a runaway train. I'm tired of practicality overriding every idea - the saying "life is what happens when you are busy making other plans," was thought of for a reason. I'm also told patience is a virtue, so I'm still standing on the platform while the timetable is dictated by others.
As we all know, children need stability. Whether it’s one home or several. Whether home is in the same country they were born in, or another. Whether they spend part of their time with one parent and the rest with the other. There are situations where convention needs to be flicked out the window like a mosquito. If maintaining the status quo has the power to cause more harm than good, then it’s not stable.
I was born in Scotland and chose to spend much of my adult life in the US. I’ve had my children here and many happy years, but now struggle to come to terms with a post-pandemic and Trump America. Personally, I am tired with the individualist mindset that seems to have inflicted so many and it reeks of selfishness. I don’t want that for my children, or myself. Self-care for mental wellbeing has overwhelmingly stepped in.
Sure, I could suck it up, like the masses who don’t have the same impetus or ability to change their surroundings. I am a foreigner and despite how much I’ve loved and given to my incredibly generous community, I'm doubting if I belong here long term.
Like my Granny insinuated, life is short. No one knows what lies ahead in their path, but we do have the power to pave our way as best as we can. My path might lead me over yet another ocean to a new hemisphere, but it will be a well-thought-out choice intended to widen my children’s minds, opportunities and enable a fresh start.
To those who suggest its selfish to create distance between parents, I debate their point. Distance in this situation may become physical but I argue emotional connection outweighs everything. Stability for children stems from love and a desire to give them things with no price tags: alternative education, engagement with new cultures, experiences, independence and a strong sense of self.
Surely parents with a robust and happy mindset who can expose the many facets of life and show unwavering love is the greatest gift of all? While I don’t believe I share my dad’s shortened lifespan, it’s a wakeup call to grab the quickening years with both hands and make the most of every day.
If he had used a little more self-care he may well still be here today. When my children look back on this tumultuous time, I hope they will see that change brought good. Like all of us, I can’t predict the future, but I can do my best to contribute to it being an enlightened and content one, overflowing with love.
Granny if you are looking down, know I understand exactly what you meant and I’m going to do everything I can to make the most of every chapter left. I will stay put to allow my daughter to complete her last year of high school, then self-care will be my ticket onto the train of life's evolving journey.
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